How Social Conditioning Fuels Self-Judgement
The Burden of Being a ‘Good Woman’
Almost every day, I meet adolescent girls and women who, with a deep sense of guilt, tell me how they feel like “bad women.” Some say they feel bad because they experience jealousy when another woman achieves something they desire. Others feel guilty for setting boundaries – saying no to a family member’s request, turning down a friend who asks them to tag along, or simply choosing themselves over others for once. They whisper these confessions as though they are revealing an unforgivable flaw, something that makes them unworthy of being seen as good.
But why do so many women carry this self-doubt? Why do we feel the need to justify our decisions, emotions, and personal space, fearing that they will make us selfish or undesirable? The answer lies in the deeply ingrained conditioning that tells us there are only two kinds of women: the “good” and the “bad.” This binary forces us into an exhausting cycle of self-judgement, where we measure ourselves against rigid societal expectations and become deeply affected by them. But what if we could step out of this cycle? What if we could challenge these labels and redefine what it means to be a woman on our own terms?
The ‘Good Woman’ vs. ‘Bad Woman’ Dichotomy
Growing up, I subtly learned what it meant to be a “good woman” by observing the women around me – my mother, my aunt, and the countless female characters in Bollywood and Nepali television serials. My mother was admired for being selfless, always putting her family’s needs before her own. My aunt, too, was praised for her patience and quiet sacrifices, ensuring that everyone else was taken care of before she even thought about herself. They rarely complained, rarely asked for more, and when they did, it was met with disapproval.
At the same time, the women I saw on screen reinforced these messages. The heroines were kind, soft-spoken, and willing to endure suffering with a smile. The villains, on the other hand, were bold, outspoken, and put themselves first. They were portrayed as jealous, manipulative, or simply too ambitious – everything a woman was not supposed to be. Without realising it, I absorbed these lessons. And I know I am not alone.
Many of us grew up believing that being good meant being accommodating, nurturing, and emotionally composed, always putting others first, avoiding conflict, and never asking for too much. But as I stepped into adulthood, I realised how deeply this “good woman” ideal fueled guilt. Saying no felt selfish, setting boundaries seemed difficult, and feeling jealousy made me question my worth. The messages we internalised as girls didn’t just fade; they shaped how we saw ourselves, making any deviation from this ideal feel like failure. This constant self-judgement takes a toll on women’s emotional well-being, leaving many overwhelmed, anxious, and disconnected from their true needs. And so, we judge ourselves harshly, reinforcing the very standards that hold us back.
The Psychological Cost of Self-Judgement
Judgement, both of ourselves and others, is a natural psychological process. Our minds categorise people and behaviours based on learned patterns, a mechanism designed to help us make sense of the world. However, when societal conditioning shapes these judgements, it creates a damaging internal conflict.
Psychologists like Brene Brown highlight how guilt and shame fuel self-judgement – guilt says, “I did something bad,” while shame says, “I am bad.” Women, conditioned to see themselves as caregivers and nurturers, often internalise shame when they step outside these roles, creating a cycle of self-doubt that makes it harder to embrace their authentic selves.
Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion shows that harsh self-judgement increases anxiety and depression, eroding confidence and suppressing emotional needs. Additionally, research indicates that self-silencing – the suppression of one’s thoughts and feelings to maintain social harmony – is linked to increased depression among Nepali women. This deep-seated conditioning doesn’t just shape behavior, it impacts emotional well-being, making it harder for women to express their needs, set boundaries, and accept their full range of emotions. Sometimes, it even leads to tragedies. In 2016, the World Health Organization (WHO) ranked Nepal third highest in South Asia for female suicide mortality. In Nepal, suicide is the leading cause of death among women of reproductive age.
How Do We Move Beyond Self-Judgement?
Breaking free from self-judgement begins with awareness, followed by intentional shifts in perspective, and finally, rewiring our internal dialogue. One approach we can use is Notice-Shift-Rewire:
- Notice Judgement Without Shame: Pay attention to self-judgement when it arises. Instead of suppressing it, ask yourself, “Where is this coming from?” Is it a personal truth or a belief shaped by societal conditioning? Recognising these patterns without shame is the first step toward change. Engage with other women in open and vulnerable conversations. As you share, you’ll realise that self-judgement is a shared experience, not a personal flaw, helping to dismantle the isolation it creates.
- Shift the Narrative: When you catch yourself thinking, “I am jealous, so I must be a bad woman,” shift the thought to, “I feel jealous because I care about this, what does this reveal about my own desires?” Reframing judgement as insight allows for self-understanding rather than self-criticism. Challenge outdated ideals. Instead of striving for self-sacrifice and perfection, redefine goodness on your own terms—being kind, honest, and true to yourself rather than conforming to rigid societal expectations.
- Rewire through Self-Compassion: Self-kindness fosters resilience. Instead of engaging in harsh self-talk, practice speaking to yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Over time, reinforce these shifts by taking small, intentional actions—setting boundaries without guilt, honouring your emotions, and embracing your full self without fear of being a “bad woman.” Each step helps rewire the patterns that keep self-judgement in place.
Reclaiming Our Own Narrative
We have been conditioned to judge ourselves against impossible standards for too long. The idea of a “good woman” versus a “bad woman” is a false binary that does more harm than good. We are complex, full of contradictions, and constantly evolving, and that is okay. The next time we feel guilty for saying no, for prioritising ourselves, or for experiencing jealousy, let’s remember this: We are not a bad woman. We are simply human beings, navigating a world that has long dictated what we should be.
It’s time we write our own definitions of womanhood, ones that allow us to exist fully, without shame. Let’s continue this conversation and redefine what it means to be a good woman, on our own term
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