We are often taught that silence keeps peace. From a young age, many women learn that to be “good” means to be agreeable, patient, and polite, to think twice before speaking, to swallow discomfort rather than risk conflict. We learn to keep things inside because we are told that emotions, when expressed, can hurt others, ruin relationships, or make us appear weak.
From early on, many girls receive subtle lessons about when and how much to speak. I remember times when my aunt would listen in storms of whispered misunderstanding, yet chose not to correct others lest she “cause trouble.” Or the cousin who, when asked about her sadness, would nod and smile, saying “I’m fine”, though her lips trembled. When she voices fatigue, she’s met with a gentle reminder that joy must be seen. These micro-behaviours teach us that some emotional expressions are permitted and some are left invisible.
But over time, those unspoken words collect like pebbles in the chest. We carry them; resentments not expressed, needs not voiced, truths left unsaid, until they harden into quiet tension. On the surface, we smile, host, and care for others. Beneath it, our bodies keep score: the quickened heartbeat, the shallow breath, the fatigue that no amount of rest fully cures.
Silence as Conditioning
Growing up, I often watched the women around me navigate conversations with precision. My mother would apologize even when something wasn’t her fault, soften her tone when disagreeing, or laugh away her exhaustion to avoid worrying others. I saw aunts pause before expressing an opinion, measuring how much truth the room could bear. These weren’t isolated acts of restraint; they were lessons in survival.
In patriarchal societies like ours, communication isn’t just about words; it’s about hierarchy. Women are expected to maintain harmony, to be emotional caregivers in every space: home, workplace, and relationships. So, even when angry or sad, we learn to “adjust.” Yet every suppressed emotion has a cost. It chips away at self-trust, leaving behind confusion: Do my feelings matter as much as others?
The Emotional Toll of Holding Back
Psychologists describe this as emotional suppression, the effort to hide what are truly feel to appear composed or agreeable. Research shows that chronic suppression is linked to increased stress, anxiety, and even physical health issues. When emotions are consistently muted, the body doesn’t release tension; it absorbs it.
In my own work with educators and women leaders, I have noticed how many express guilt when speaking assertively. They worry about being misunderstood or labelled as difficult. This self-monitoring drains emotional energy. It’s not the conversations that exhaust us; it’s the pretending.
Suppressing emotions isn’t without consequence. Psychological research shows that emotional suppression, deliberately hiding or inhibiting inner feelings, can have physiological and relational costs. In a meta-analysis of 24 studies, researchers found that people who suppress emotions during stress tasks show elevated stress responses in the body, such as increased heart rate or sympathetic activation.
Another classic study exposed participants to an emotionally evocative film and instructed some to suppress their outward expression. Those who suppressed had higher cardiovascular activation, meaning their bodies worked harder, even though their outward face remained composed.
In real life, this might look like a woman, smiling through lunch while her chest tightens and her thoughts spin. She doesn’t argue even when she disagrees because she fears her words will fracture the harmony she’s meant to protect. Later that evening, she lies awake, replaying every interaction, wondering if her restraint was worth the hidden ache.
Suppressing doesn’t erase emotion, it buries it deeper, where it influences our mood, sleep, and relationships without letting us see how. Over time, the accumulation of unspoken words becomes part of the quiet exhaustion so many women carry into festival seasons and everyday life.
The Power of Emotional Clarity
Finding emotional clarity doesn’t mean saying everything that crosses our minds. It’s about developing awareness: What am I feeling? Why? What do I need right now? This is where Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a framework I often use in my teaching, becomes deeply transformative. NVC invites us to move from blame or silence to honest self-expression through four steps: Observation, Feeling, Need, and Request.
For example, instead of saying, “No one helps me,” we might say, “I’ve been feeling tired because I have been managing most of the household work alone. I’d really appreciate it if we could share tasks this week.” It’s a small shift from accusation to clarity, but it changes everything. We move from guilt or resentment to connection.
Courage in Communication
Speaking honestly requires courage. It asks us to risk discomfort in the short term for authenticity in the long run. It also asks us to redefine strength, not as endurance, but as emotional honesty. When we voice our truth with compassion, we create space for real understanding.
At first, it can feel uncomfortable. Silence is familiar, even safe. But honesty, when rooted in empathy, builds deeper trust than politeness ever can. As researcher Brené Brown reminds us, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Clarity isn’t cruelty, it’s care.
What Helps Us Speak Freely
Building emotional clarity and communication courage takes practice. A few gentle steps can help:
Pause before reacting, but don’t silence yourself. Give your feelings space to be named before deciding how to express them.
Start small. Honest communication doesn’t have to begin with big confrontations, it can start with telling a friend, “I’m actually not okay today.”
Rehearse compassion. Before difficult conversations, remind yourself that honesty is a form of respect, not rebellion.
Surround yourself with truth-tellers. Safe spaces with women who listen without judgment remind us that our voices matter.
Acknowledge progress. Each time you choose honesty over silence, you are unlearning generations of conditioning.
Silence can protect peace, but it can also suffocate authenticity. As women, many of us have mastered the art of saying the right things. Perhaps it’s time to learn the art of saying the real things with empathy, with courage, and with clarity.
We tell ourselves a lot of stories in silence. In a crowded room, we exchange pleasantries, but some of us carry a quiet question behind our smiles: “Who will listen if I say what’s really inside?” Over time, the words we never speak begin to weigh more than the words we do. In homes and festivals alike, many women learn that peace is preserved by silence, and their emotional worlds shrink around that quiet.
– Dr Bhawana Shrestha
Bhawana Shrestha is currently a Research Fellow at the Academy of Future Education, Xian Jiaotong-Liverpool University, China, where she specialises in social-emotional learning, education, and well being. She is also the Co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an initiative that focuses on emotional intelligence across different life stages.
