In an online study of 70,000 people in 24 countries, researchers found couples who have a great sex life make sex a priority rather than the last item of a long to-do list. They create space for intimacy and connection. These couples talk about sex and put their relationship first, despite the demands of work and kids. They also discover sexual pleasure through a variety of methods, not just intercourse. Sexually satisfied couples are emotionally attuned to each other inside and outside of the bedroom. Below are five steps to make sex more romantic in your relationship.
The art of sex talk
A major obstacle to having good sex is talking about sex. Since it can be such a sensitive topic, many couples “vague out” rather than vulnerably tell each other what they need. Talking about sex is a powerful way to deepen intimacy and emotional connection. It allows partners to express their likes and dislikes and work together to build a meaningful sexual relationship with each other.
Great sex comes from great connection
Each person brings to the relationship their own unique attitude about sex that has been shaped by their life experiences. Many men grow up thinking that sex defines their masculinity, so it becomes more about their technique rather than passion and intimate conversations with their partner. Often men worry about their performance and women worry about achieving orgasms. Sadly, goal-orientated sex can create sexual dysfunction when the goal isn’t reached. Partners feel like there’s something wrong with them. This pressure and shame makes many of us self-conscious about talking about sex. Instead of trying to focus on the end result, slow down and enjoy the entire experience. Redefining sex can make a couple’s physical relationship more pleasurable. Ironically, not being stressed about having an orgasm makes it easier to have one.
Know what turns your partner on
Build an erotic love map which is a guide to what turns your partner on and off erotically. Building a map of your partner’s body and desires can be achieved by asking specific questions about what they like and what they need. Examples are: what felt good about sex last time? Or what do you need to make sex better for you?
It’s okay to ask for and to refuse sex
Couples often think that their partner should “just know” that they are feeling horny. The assumption your partner can read your mind is false and limits the depth of your intimate relationship. Also, learning how to say no to your partner in a way that doesn’t feel hurtful is just as important as learning how to cope with your partner saying no. This sexual initiation and refusal is a dance that can be choreographed to making yes and no feel less personal and more acceptable.
Have conversations about sexual intimacy
Make an intentional effort to continue talking about sex in your relationship. Ask questions and be curious about your partner’s deepest desires. Doing so will allow your partner to openly express what they need to feel loved and will keep you attuned to each other’s needs, leading to an emotionally connected and fulfilling sex life.